It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
