You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
