one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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