Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize