so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
