My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
