I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
