My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
