Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
