I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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