my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
