I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
