That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wear drunk well.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
