talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
