PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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