I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
