who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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