A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
