Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
