I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
