he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She told me I should be a condom model.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
