Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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