see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
