my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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