today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
