He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
