I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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