I'm so fucking centered right now
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
