found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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