FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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