Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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