Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
