I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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