you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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