a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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