the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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