I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
