I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
