I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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