...so i touched it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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