I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
