He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
