i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
