I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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