Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't deserve a penis
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
