Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
