why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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