If that was your dad, he is hot
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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