i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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