Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
