i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
