I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
