I have demons in me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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