apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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