Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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