if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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