thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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