i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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