quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize