I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
