The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You ate ashes out of my bong
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
