Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize