What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
