I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
