accomplished twins. life is a go
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
