i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
