is your mom at the bar?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
