I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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