the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
