someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
